Deep Thoughts: Goodbye Again

i guess i never should have thought of this blog as a sanctuary given that it's in a public forum. but i always thought any readers would be strangers. or otherwise distant internet friends. my mistake.

with that in mind, i think when i'm done with this post, i'll turn off commenting altogether. i write this stuff for me. not any of you.

i know it really shouldn't have, but for some reason my back and forth with a person from my past, really upset me. and turning off the comments should put an end to that.

i don't really want to write about it anymore, but if i don't get it off my chest i'm not going to be able to move on to other things.

i don't know why you felt compelled to begin commenting on my blog. i would never presume to know the answer to that. but i do know why i haven't contacted you in all this long while. and i'll tell you why once and for all and hope that you're satisfied with it.

it wasn't doable for me to take those big profound feelings and compress them into miniature versions of their former selves. what i felt, i think, deserved more respect than to be diminished like that. i couldn't live with making it into so much less than it had been. i wanted instead, to preserve it in my memory, exactly as it was.

i believe i even said that in my last email. casual friendship, not an option.

i knew if we stayed 'friends' i'd need more from than you than you'd be able to give. that's not to say it was an unselfish decision. that would've hurt and disappointed me. and in turn, i might've said less than nice things to you.

if there's one thing i learned from mcdoofus, it's that i expect far too much from people. they have their own lives. and i don't really belong in them.

had you come first and mcdoofus second, i woulda spent five and a half years hoping you'd really be my friend til i finally gave up. but fortunately for you, it didn't happen that way.

some poetry to finish up this somber tirade and then i am done.

(sigh) goodbye again scoots.


05-23-05 monday 9:15pm

yesterday my life was empty. but i didn't really feel the hunger anymore. it'd been so long.

but memories they don't always stay in the attic where you've stored them. and the people that once filled you up, they can reappear and remind you of how good it used to feel when they did.

i'm not one to hate. just hide away.

we're people. not songs. you can't always play the one you want.

i'm not one who can just ignore. if it's raining i have to watch it fall. if it's sunny i have to sample the warmth.

i'm not always right. not always wrong. but i was always honest and much too soft.

pretending i'm strong just isn't working anymore.

i can't take what i once felt and whittle it that thin. it's either the big stick that we wave together or if left to my own devices i'll end up beating myself with it.