Deep Thoughts: McDoofus

dear mcdoofus,

you weren't the best friend a girl could ever hope to have, however, you were the only friend i had.

so that's saying something. though, i don't know what exactly.

you were a generous lover. a man out to please himself by pleasing first his partner.

you had magic fingers. you did. or you know, i was in love with you, and your fingers were attached.

i admitted that, at some point, when i was so low it no longer seemed shameful to admit it, even though i knew it would never be reciprocated. it was the best valentines day ever!!!

you were an okay client. you always sent the checks when you said you would. the work wasn't easy. all that roaming the internet looking for product pix and descriptions. print catalogs would've been nice. cd's with images, nicer yet. but no one forced me to work for you, i chose it. and i'd like to think i did a good job. long before there were other employees, there was only me and you. and you're still in business today. still making a living selling forty-soemthing white guys their large screen tv's and cheesy surround sound systems.

there were times i felt rejected by you. times i felt welcome. i'm sure you must feel the same.

there were times i set out to betray you. to make you feel me, but quite simply you refused.

there were times you felt close as family. and others distant as the most callous stranger.

i take responsibility for the times my better judgement, my conscience has failed me. i take responsibility for knowingly subjecting myself to a half-hearted relationship.

i admit responsibility for all the mistakes and misjudgements i've made throughout the years.

i started out loving you. waiting for you to return the favor.

then i decided to become the martyr and to love you despite yourself.

finally, love didn't matter anymore.

i wasn't angry. i wasn't hurt. i just was sorry we were both still alone.

you've never said any angry or harsh word to me. and i guess that should be a good thing, except, you've never expressed any kind of emotion toward me. not even the slightest hint of.

all those times i lashed out, you just took the whip. never uttered a whimper. never whipped back.

i never meant to be cruel. was only feeling.

volatile feelings.

but you never felt anything.

that hurt so much more.


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