Deep Thoughts: Absent

sometimes my family preceive me as cold and unfeeling. my entire family consisting of my mother and my brother. geez, that is a paltry family unit. and admittedly that is often (always) how i present myself to them.

in my mind emotions are to be expressed through the written word and artfully crafted images. or music.

you can't just sit infront of someone and tell them what you feel. that's absurb. that's crazy.

unfortunately for me, i'm a lot like the father i really wish i wasn't like.

i don't know how he expressed his feelings. or that he ever did, bseide the use of rage.

luckily for me, i have words at my beckon. and images that conjure im my head. with a hand able to depict them. sadly for him, he lacked those subtle medications.

i haven't liked him for a long time. i don't subscribe to the notion that common genetics is an all out pass to do whatever the hell you feel like and still be loved by those you've done it to. and those who do, i mostly mock. privately. not to belittle them. but just because it doesn't make any sense.

but it occured to me that my brother, tneder soul that he is, what with his penchant for virgins, doesn't know my father, our father, like i do.

by the time he was seventeen he was living with grandma. far, far away from the our less than functional household.

he never bore witness to the atrocities our father inflicted upon our mother. i did.

so when i couldn't love him anymore, he didn't understand. and when our father abandoned him, he just didn't understand then either. he didn't have any idea of the person he really was.

those things that occured when he wasn't there are nothing he ever really needs to know. or even could comprehend without haveing been there.

so i guess he never will understand.

but i do. and i guess she does.

eventually, for everyone, that'll be enough.