Deep Thoughts: Alone

today i thought a lot about why i took up this blog. i could just write on my computer or a notebook.

ah, but i've completely lost my ability to write with pen and paper. thank you bill gates.

and yes, i do need the assurance that someone, somewhere is reading it. because what good's a thought that's never heard. a thought never recognized is like a heart never loved. its existence completely meaningless. there, but no one can see it. alone's all right. but that is more alone than even i can stand.

alone has its place. a good place where i go to be myself. not what they perceive and/or want me to be. but beware, alone it's habit forming.

sometimes i find myself wishing i'd never known anyone at all. because then i wouldn't have to sit and wonder why i don't know them anymore. or why they don't want to know me. or if they ever did. or could.

then i wouldn't care so much about who reads what or why or when. or what they write about it later. and their distorted perceptions. and their unsolicited advice.

i write this blog because dark poetry wasn't enough anymore. because i needed another outlet. yes, i wanted it to be read. but by strangers. people i don't know. would never know. or at least never meet. not have memories of their eyes burrowing into mine. or other parts of them.

don't read it if you're unwilling to understand. and please stop insisting i should be what i never can.

i don't think i've uttered more than three words today. those only being to quiet the cat.

i feel muted. unable to verbalize. i sometimes wonder, after i've gone so long without saying anything, if i open my mouth and try, will any words be able to come out. or am i at long last, after all these years, as empty as i've always claimed to be.

i know why i'm alone. i just wish i knew why i want to be.