Deep Thoughts: Sympathy

where do you draw the line? when does consideration and compassion for those you onced loved and have worked with become being suckered?

wish i knew.

on the one hand, hell, if i wanna just know someone is suffering (financially speaking) and just ignore it, as if i never knew them. on the other hand, i'm sort of an independent contractor and maybe i just don't want to do that job anymore. i didn't abandon it in the middle or anything. i gave notice. i finished what i had been working on. is it my fault if i accidentally created a very specific commercial niche to which i'm one of the few experts whom belong.

i didn't intend for that to happen. just got lucky.

and if long ago and far away, we were lovers, never really dating. never really in an adult relationship. but i can't count all the hours we spent wasted babbling to eachother until one passed out. do i feel a certain sense of loyalty. of course i do. even if, only begrudgingly. like one would for any less than reliable family member.

because somewhere along the line, he superceded every role i'd ever assigned to him. he wasn't a former lover. he wasn't a crappy boyfriend. he wasn't a client. he was mcdoofus. my adoptive ex-husbamd. though, we were never married. somehow, he was family in some obscure sense.

and now it seems he needs me. again. for things other than sex. and while i can't imagine him ever coming through for me were i ever to need some service he could provide, my heart freezes at the thought of ignoring his desperation.

even though, i vowed i'd never count him as a friend again, cuz he'd never been much of a friend to me, i can't help feeling for anyone i've ever known.

it's not like i'm certain i can save his business. but i don't know that i'm willing to leave it up to someone else. or worse, leave him on his own.

part of me thinks i ought to. cause he's never shown any interest in my happiness. nor my success or failure. and i don't think should i come through on this, anything would change between us.

but it's not about me. it never was.

in a way i hope he finds more of an expert. because i don't know that i can shoulder that burden. and because i want for his success and am unsure whether i can provide it.

but either way, whether i give in to compassion or reamin cold-hearted, still i'll always wish him all the best.

still i sense, i've already decided. the pages of instructions and help declare. i'm a sucker. always have been.

Comments

  1. I too am a sucker. So that makes two of us.

    I know what it feels like to be unsupported in all I say or do, but yet I have hung on.

    I guess that would make Jesus kind of a sucker too. All the times we have been unsupportive, and ignored his desires for us.

    But, he's always hung on to us. Never turned his back. He loves us so much, that even after we've done such terrible things to him, he would be the first to embrace us when we needed his help.

    Oh, what a tangled web we weave.

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  2. If you do decide to 'help', I would keep it strictly business.
    If he can't afford to pay you what you are worth, then have him sell you shares in lieu of payment. Think of it as an investment. Part-ownership--of him, and his business :)

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