Deep Thoughts: Pages

why are people so often disappointing? is it me? do i disappoint them just as much?

why does my brother continue to spend his nights here? and why, oh why, does it bother me so? it's gotten to the point (because i let it go that far) that i'm beginning to dislike him. i hate the sound of him laughing.

why when i'm certain my life is as sucky and empty as i could ever wish for it to be does it decide to kick it up yet another notch?

why did i dream about mold boy last night? i haven't thought about him in ages. but last night, in my dream, we fought like an old, resentful, married couple.

why can't i ever say what i'm thinking to the people close to me? everything just trapped in here. none of it has ever been said. for as long as i can remember. i just keep it to myself. cultivating that resentment until it blossoms into hate.

i've never said anything. my entire life. not a word. all i've ever done is written. on pages they never see.

Comments

  1. You said: why are people so often disappointing? is it me? do i disappoint them just as much?

    I find, that when I feel as though people are disappointing me it is because I lack something within myself that shines bright. Meaning, I am unhappy with some particular aspect of myself; and in turn when someone else lacks what I should bestow, my reaction is to be disappointed in them. When really, it is I that needs the work.

    You said: why did i dream about mold boy last night? i haven't thought about him in ages. but last night, in my dream, we fought like an old, resentful, married couple.

    This tells me that there is obvious unresolved issues with the two of you. Although I have never recalled you writing about this Mold Boy in your entire blog-history, it is apparent that something still lingers in the background that you have yet to come to terms with.
    And, it is possible that maybe Mold Boy needs a friend right now.

    You said: why can't i ever say what i'm thinking to the people close to me? everything just trapped in here. none of it has ever been said. for as long as i can remember. i just keep it to myself. cultivating that resentment until it blossoms into hate.

    I feel that it's easier to keep emotions hidden with those that are close to us because we 'assume' that they know what we are thinking. Another part of us 'assumes' that over time, it will just fix itself. However, this is never the case. It is important that you share your thoughts when they are felt. In doing so, you give yourself the opportunity to grow. I sort of feel like with resentment comes low self-esteem. And with low self-esteem comes negative thoughts on everything around you.

    It's possible too, that the reason why you keep everything trapped is because you fear the outcome of baring your feelings; whether they be angry or sad. You feel vulnerable, and you aren't willing to reveal that part of yourself. You don't want to be wrong. Or rejected.

    You said: i've never said anything. my entire life. not a word. all i've ever done is written. on pages they will never see.

    It is apparent that you have strength, and are willing to share with us your weaknesses, or struggles, but it is important, it is imperative that you share these parts of you with the people you are close to.

    My question to you is: Don't you desire growth in your life? Happiness and love to flow freely and naturally around you?

    I see that you do. It's just that you don't know where to start. Speak your truth. Whatever it may be.

    Disappointment is a motivating factor in our lives. We can either live in it, or grow from it.

    And I have the utmost faith that you will choose to grow in it.

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