Deep Thoughts: Sexuality

she said, "it's over now!", with the pretentious perkiness she sometimes exuded. she was referring to her period. because she wanted to be fingered.

we were teenagers. best friends. we spent entire weekends at eachother's houses. sleeping in eachohter's bed. learning bit by bit how we could pleasure ourselves and eveentually how we could pleasure eachother.

i dipped my fingers in and moved in the the ways i imagined would be pleasurable. she cooed and her body wriggled. at seventeen i got no pleasure from witnessing hers. i only wanted one thing. for the situation to be reversed.

when i woke in the morning there was brown, dried blood stuck under my fingernails and stained to the tips of my fingers.

as i washed away the remains her of menstruation, i puzzled at how eager she was to feel that minute sense of pleasure. i knew the pleasure couldn't be that great. cuz i'd been on the receiving end. and because, well, i didn't really know what i was doing.

later, when we were older, after countless weekends spent reveling in a sexual freedom most teenagers never experience, she told me she didn't (wouldn't) swing that way.

it wasn't that she'd found someone else, it was how she said it. the tone in her voice implied (and later she confirmed) she'd only used our time together because that was what was available to her then. as if she couldn't wait any longer to feel the sensations of sexual intimacy. so she opted for whatever was there.

she said she never loved me. she may have said she never even liked me. dunno. it was a long time ago. she became a mormon. far as i know. go figure.

she told me what we'd done was wrong. and i knew it was. but my reasons that it was were very different from hers.


  1. Well I would say that this qualifies for your most graphic post yet!

    A little shocking even.

    Anyhow, I can't imagine how one would feel after experiencing something such as this; only to be pushed to the side like an empty dinner plate.

    I find it interesting that she just up and changed her mind.

    I sense that you cared about her quite deeply,(obviously...)and possibly still do.

    Thank you for sharing this story. Although, I would like to know how your reason for deciding that this experience was wrong, differed from hers.

  2. I assume that you felt a little bit betrayed. That being she WAS indeed your best-friend.

    You also probably thought it was wrong because you made yourself vulnerable to someone who basically took your love for granted.

    But it wasn't wrong. You felt. And you felt it strongly.

    There was nothing wrong with that.


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