Deep Thoughts: Tasted

it's a strange situation when you can't be sure whether it was circumstance or genuine feeling that put all those questions in your head.

it could go either way on any given day.

on tuesday it was false. by friday it's real again.

and on it alternates. until you just don't believe either. and you tell yourself it doesn't matter. but you know that it does. and always will. cuz you wouldn't ponder it all otherwise. no matter how much you tell yourself it only happened because you let it, you know, you can't deny, that you chose to surrender. but not before you'd conquered. for a little while anyway.

i know that life is what we make of it. cuz i've made it several times. and each time it did just what i told it. though i didn't usually ask it to do good things, still it obeyed.

but there was that one time that i nearly got it right.

and i think, if i came that close once, maybe i could eventually hit the target.

but i don't know if i believe anymore that a bullseye exists. or that if i found its center i'd be glad i did.

i'm not sure there is anything real named happiness. sometimes i think it's just another myth made to seem real by the vast collective that is human weakness.

it comes and it goes from our lives of its own volition. it haunts like a ghost when it's left us. and for the little good it does, the damage it does is infinite.

i still remember that first taste of it. for weeks it stayed on my tongue. warm, sweet and omnipotent.

and ever since it's been gone, i'm not sure how to live without it.

to be tasted, but not swallowed, leaves me wasted and powerless.