Deep Thoughts: Tattooed

there are all different song lyrics running through my head and i can't decide which should take the reins.

until it sleeps by metallica. i always think, to hold me until it sleeps, well, that'd be forever.

surrender by savatage. when in my life did i surrender? so long ago.

now by days of the new. it does sound like complaining, this heart full of pain. but yes, it is hard to refrain.

the newly updated google toolbar has been freaking me out all day and i don't know why. too many new additions. the scary, scary new button that keeps badgering me to download and install google desktop search. which i'm sure is very good, but the last thing this wretched machine needs is more unneccessary programs installed on it.

when is google going to start making operating systems? that'd be sweet. if anyone could overthrow microsoft it'd be them. course, even if they did, it'd be in beta so long, i'd be dead long before it was ever officially released.

reminds me of my third tattoo idea. it's been in beta testing for years. did i ever mention i have two tattoos and have contemplated a third for like ever. i believe i snuck the charlie brown one into some other recent post. it's fucking big. like gotta cover it up for job interviews big. and on the top of my right forearm. i kinda had a crush on the tattoo guy too. george i think was his name. he asked me a hundred times if i was sure that i wanted it there and that large. i was sure then. that's for sure.

after all these years, i don't even notice it. it's as much a part of me as the little hairs that sprout from my arm.

the other one is daffy duck. that was the first. i just picked it off the wall of the parlor cuz i like daffy. he's crazy and irrational. and his lisp is cool.

daffy duck tattoo

but i've always had this plan to get just one more. a gargoyle clutching my flesh with its claws and holding a scroll. upon which any words i chose would be written.

and i finally after so many, many years came up with words that could last a lifetime. words of my own. "knowing life is a scab, a crusty, bloody seal of a wound; and wanting so much to pick at."

i think that sums up my life heretofore and beyond.

but that idea occurred a long while ago and i've still yet to go and do it.

guess that just shows how little i care about anything anymore. even the things i once cared about so much.

i've always liked tattoos because of their permanence. it's a lifetime commitment. but like anything you live with everyday, eventually they become invisible. everyone else you encounter may notice them, but you don't anymore.

i like to think of them as hidden pieces of myself i've made visible to the world. even though i can barely see them anymore.

the one thing in my life that never changes. the only proof i have, not matter how different everything else becomes, that i'm still me.

riddled with angry cartoon ink. just as it should be. just as it's always been. only they make it more obvious. more real.