Deep Thoughts: Older Brothers

she says it all the time. there's just the three of us left. and it's true. dad's gone. grandma's gone. they're not dead or anything. just assholes. there's just the three of us. me and mom and bro. so why does it feel like there are dozens of us. all the time, surrounding me. talking loudly and laughing annoyingly.

all my life i've had one brother. one older brother. seven years older. he was the surprise. not me. when we were very young we'd play 'tom and jerry'. he was tom. i was jerry. i'd run screaming. he'd chase me. he didn't do anything once he caught me. it was merely the thrill of the chase. and the joy in driving our parents crazy.

we'd wrestle. he'd bodyslam me onto his bed. more than once he caught me before i fell off the bed and cracked my skull.

for the most part, he always was, and always has been the ideal older brother.

until now. until he decided to disrupt my otherwise quiet life. until he decided the next step to happiness for him was spending his evening watching tv with our mother. i know i'm extremely pathetic in my own right, but him being pathetic i cannot stand. it makes me queasy just thinking about it.

we rode mattresses down our grandmother's staircase. we played basement hockey. far more brutal than standard hockey. there were couch cushions and concrete involved.

he once even took it upon himself to teach me the evils of alcohol. he had me so full of kaluha. he fully expected me to puke and never touch the stuff again. but i just wanted more. he meant well anyway.

brothers with brothers have their thing. as do sisters with sisters. but when you're a brother and a sister it's always strained. there's that whole gender gap. it's not like you can sit down together and spill your guts. there are imaginary lines which can't, shouldn't be crossed.

when you're the weaker, littler, younger sister, you grow up always feeling inferior. he's always bigger, stronger, smarter. no matter what you challenge eachother to, he always wins. you learn to accept that time is a big asset.

and then one day, you're both old and he's still stronger, he's still bigger, but he doesn't win at everything anymore.

but even so, even when you do win, you still feel as though something was lost.


  1. it's finally making sense to me now. You are the middle child.

    Now I get it.


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