i found out tonight my grandmother (my mother's mother) died a few days ago. we were close once when i was a child. but things went bad and she ended up in a nursing home with no one who wanted to visit her.

we tried to get her into assisted living. nearly did, but then she didn't want to go. i never did understand why. if they'd take me, i'd go. seriously. meals cooked for you. room cleaned. private drivers. laundry done. sounds like the closest thing to heaven that currently exists.

it was all messy and a big to do. but suffice it to say there is a hierarchy. siblings and mother take precendence over all others. what have you done for me lately comes to mind. no matter who you are you can't just take and take and never give.

i thought i loved her. i thought i loved lots of people. i don't know if my love is petulent or if i'm just a cold hearted bitch. there are some who'd liek to weigh in ont that i'd suspect. i guess the truth will finally be known when and if i live to see my own mother die.

i picture that event in my head sometimes. not because i want it to happen, but because i worry how it'll be when it does. sometimes i envision myself a wreck and other no tears are shed.

it's hard to know when you've spent your whole life learning to distance yourself from everything that used to matter.

i never know if i should close the door or open it.

or why it even matters if we're so very helpless to retain anythng good we may have.

it's just some dead lady i hadn't spoken to in years. and next it'll probably be some dead guy whose sperm is responsible for creating this life.

but in the end they're all losses. no matter who they are. things we always thought would be there that aren't anymore.


  1. The same sort of thing has happened to me too. I was close to my grandmother on my dad's side when I was a little girl. Due to some unhealthy behavior that was going on when I would stay with her and my grandfather, my parents didn't want me staying with them any longer.

    She isn't dead yet. But I haven't seen or spoken to her for about 10 years. As far as I am concerned, I don't miss her or feel as though I am missing out on anything by not going to visit her in the assisted living home that she lives in now. I suppose I would feel empathy for my dad though when the time comes and she kicks the bucket.

    But what I wanted to comment on is the statement you made regarding the death of your own mother. How you worry about how it will be when her time does come to pass and you are alive to witness it.

    For many years I would bring myself to tears imagining my life without my mom and dad. I still can't imagine them dying. Even after their near fatal motorcycle accident and my mom's bout with breast cancer. They are warriors in my eyes.

    I can't even begin to wonder how I will cope with their loss when and if their time comes to pass and I am witness to it.

    You said that it's hard to know how you would feel about the death of your own mother when you have spent your whole life learning to distance yourself from everything that used to matter.

    My question to you is: Why have you distanced yourself? I don't think that you have distanced yourself as much as you think you have. It just sounds as though you have poor coping skills. And there is certainly nothing wrong with having poor coping skills.

    You also said that you never know if you should close the door or open it.

    I say, open it! Open them all. There is an infinite number of doors that we are faced with daily. Sooner or later you'll walk through that one particular door that will bring freedom and answers to any doubts or questions you may surround yourself with.

    To close a door without even entering keeps you trapped inside of a place that stays the same. I would imagine that a closed door doesn't allow anything to seep inside.

    So open as many doors as you possibly can. Because even if you open a door that contains something you don't like, there will always be more doors for you to peek inside of.

    In the end they're all losses.

    I disagree. You fail to see the beauty in pain, anguish and suffering. There is always something to gain. Always.

  2. I am sorry to hear about your loss. Whether you were close or not in the end, the good memories you once had are all you should remember. Or something like that.


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